


if you loved me, why did you leave me?

by dimension



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Post-Canon, Post-Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:59:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21758392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimension/pseuds/dimension
Summary: canonverse. Clarke accidentally confessed her feelings to Bellamy. He didn't reciprocate. Now she's unsure of how she's going to face him.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 21
Kudos: 242





	if you loved me, why did you leave me?

They don’t find what they were always searching for until _after._

_After _a childhood among the stars, after being exiled down to earth, after an adolescence of war and horror, after sacrifice and lost loves, after years of isolation, after a sleep that spanned centuries and traveled lightyears, after landing on a new world and fighting people who cheated death for generations. Then they find peace.

It’s a year _after _they first arrived on Sanctum and things have changed for Clarke and her people.

They left behind the citizens of Sanctum and traveled north, to a place called The Plains—uninhabited flatland where the suns scorch half the year and leave them in a frozen tundra the other half. There, they built their colony into a home.

Now, after it all, they live in the closest thing to peace they’ll ever find.

Clarke’s hair has grown past her shoulders. The callouses that used to trace her fingertips have grown soft. _She’s_ grown soft.

Every morning she wakes up and stokes a slow smoking fire in her quarters instead of worrying about how she’s going to make it through the next day alive.

She’s finally living, not just surviving.

The thought makes Clarke smile lightly as she pours water over the hot coals in her fireplace. The water hisses as it turns to steam. Normally, Clarke would now go and get dressed for the day. But a persistent ache in her stomach makes it difficult to move at all.

The ache is there because she made a mistake. A _really big mistake._

Last night, after the council meeting ended and people began to filter out of the room, Clarke was left alone with one Bellamy Blake. She still doesn’t know what was going through her head or _why _she did it. But one second they were discussing ways to maximize productivity within the settlement and then suddenly she was confessing that she’s in love with him. He looked confused as he stuttered out an apology in response. That was enough for Clarke to get a clue, to figure out he doesn’t feel the same. Her mouth was dry and her throat ached. All she could feel was deep regret. She left.

Clarke had never been so humiliated in her life. And of course today—the day after she professed her feelings for Bellamy—is the day her and Bellamy have been planning to travel together to scout out farm land. Alone. With no one but each other. For hours.

Clarke shudders, wishing that for just one day she didn’t have to be herself.

—

Clarke finds Bellamy later, down by the edge of the settlement.

Her fingers begin to shake when she spots him.

Nerves are funny, Clarke has found. She could stick a gun to someone’s head and her heart wouldn’t skip a beat. Someone could hold a knife against her throat and she’d calmly plan her next move.

But one glance and Bellamy right now and her stomach is in knots.

His hip is leaned against the rover and his skin shines in the sunlight. He looks good—he always does. And she certainly can’t complain about being able to see the sharp cut of his jawline as he just recently started shaving.

He notices her as she gets closer to him. His arms drop by his side and his eyes immediately shift, drowning with concern. Clarke hates it. She ducks her head.

“Clarke,” Bellamy says, half a greeting, half a plea for her to look at him.

She keeps her eyes trained on the dirt by her feet. The suns are at full force and the humid air is heavy. Clarke feels suffocated, even in nothing but her tank top and light-fabric pants.

“Did you run a supplies check?” Her voice is monotone.

“_Clarke._”

“If you didn’t I can do it now. I know it seems redundant but it’s really important that we don’t run out of supplies.”

“We should talk about it.”

“The supplies?” Clarke feigns ignorance. “I’m trying, you won’t answer.”

“No. About what you said last night.”

Finally, her eyes flick to his.

She sees pity. Pity for her. Her stomach churns.

“Just forget I ever said anything.”

Bellamy’s mouth drops. “I can’t forget. And I’d really like to talk about it, because—”

“We should stock up on a few extra water canteens, don’t you think?”

Clarke doesn’t care about the water. They have plenty. No, she just can’t sit here and listen as he kindly lists the reasons why he doesn’t love her. It might break her if she has to.

“Just to be safe,” she adds meagerly.

Resigned, Bellamy’s shoulders drop.

“I’ll go grab a few more.” He mutters before turning on his heels and walking away.

Dirt is kicked up into a small cloud on the ground right where he used to stand.

—

The hum of the engine is the only noise between Bellamy and Clarke as they drive to their destination.

They’re barely five minutes into the ride and they haven’t said a word to each other. It’s uncomfortable and the unbearable heat only makes it worse. Clarke is pretty sure she’s about to have a heat stroke.

She reaches over and clicks the air conditioning on.

Bellamy cocks an eyebrow.

“Didn’t Raven tell us not to do that?” He reprimands.

Clarke huffs. “She said the air conditioning unit takes a lot out on the engine and _might_ cause issues. But I don’t care. Aren’t you hot?”

She watches his Adam’s apple bob before he responds.

“Yeah, I’m dying. But I also don’t want to get stranded out here.”

The cool air kicks in, escaping the vents in a steady stream and hitting Clarke’s skin. It feels amazing.

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.” Clarke responds honestly.

Bellamy chuckles.

“Your funeral,” he says before carefully adding, “so you’re talking to me now. Does that mean we can talk about it?”

Clarke stiffens.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She keeps her eyes trained on her lap.

“Of course there is.” Bellamy licks his lips before continuing. “It’s hard for me to express my feelings, which is why I didn’t really say much last night. But I’ve been thinking...”

He’s been thinking. Thinking of ways to express her disinterest, she’s sure.

Part of Clarke is curious as to what he’ll say. Will he let her down easy, tell her _you mean so much to me _before explaining that he just doesn’t love her the way she loves him. Or maybe he’ll be straightforward and say he’s never thought of her the way she thinks of him, that it seemed so obvious it wasn’t like that between them_._

Clarke shudders at the possibility.

“I should sit in the back,” she interrupts him, though she stopped listening seconds ago, “make sure we’re not being followed.”

Bellamy purses his lips as Clarke climbs over her seat to the back of the Rover.

—

Clarke jolts awake at the sound of a thud.

She hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but staring off into the flat distance must have lulled her.

The first thing she notices in her groggy state is that the Rover isn’t moving. But there’s no way she slept through the entire drive, they had hours to go.

There’s another thud, and Clarke looks up to find the noise is coming from Bellamy slamming his fist against the steering wheel.

“C’mon,” he mutters under his breath. “Turn on.”

Clarke crawls up front, back into the passenger seat.

“What’d you do?” She asks.

Bellamy scoffs. “I didn’t do anything. Maybe if you hadn’t insisted on keeping the AC running, the engine wouldn’t have died.”

Clarke grimaces.

“Oh.”

They’re stranded, hours away from any sort of help. Alone together. An oxymoron. Clarke chews on her lip.

“The engine isn’t gonna start.” Bellamy informs her. “We should call Raven.”

Clarke nods, anxiety filling her stomach.

“I’ll grab the radio.”

—

After talking to Raven and learning that help will take at least two hours to reach them, they return to their previous silence. Until Clarke simply can’t take it anymore.

“How long was I out for?” She asks, digging her fingers into her thighs to keep them still.

Bellamy look surprised she’s talking to him at all.

“A little over an hour.” His voice is soft.

“You could have woken me up.”

“No,” the corner of his mouth lifts, “I always worry you don’t sleep enough.”

Clarke bites her cheek.

A few days ago she may have taken that as a sign, believed it meant he felt more for her. Now, she knows better. Now, she’s just confused.

“I think I’m gonna sit outside.”

Bellamy’s eyebrows draw together. “It’s midday, Clarke, you’ll burn out there.”

Clarke’s hands squeeze into balled up fists at her side.

“Can you please stop worrying about my wellbeing?” She snaps.

Bellamy scoffs.

“I always worry about you.” He sounds offended she’d suggest otherwise.

“I know.” She twists her mouth. “I don’t understand why.”

She can hear him swallow, her own heartbeat picks up in her ears.

“About last night...” Bellamy starts warily.

Clarke sighs, realizing what she has to do. She started this by opening her mouth last night and now she has to finish it, clean up the mess she’s made. Regardless of how hard this will be for her. She hates that she’s spent her time imagining kissing him and running her hands through his hair and he hasn’t thought of her at all. And it’s so embarrassing that he knows now. But she owes him an explanation as to why she ruined their friendship over an unrequited love confession.

She takes a deep breath and speaks.

“I shouldn’t have said anything.” There’s a small crack in her voice that’s always present when she gets upset. She hates it. “I made a big mistake telling you.”

Her chin wobbles a little, against her own will.

“You regret what you said?”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t mean it?” His voice shakes.

“No. I definitely meant it,” she confesses, “I just- I should have known you don’t feel the same way. It’s obvious.”

“Why is it obvious?”

Clarke twists her mouth. Why is this so hard? “Back on earth... Before I left you in the fighting pit, you told me I wasn’t your family. I should have known then.”

“Clarke—”

“And when you found out I called you every day for six years, you turned it into a joke, said it was pathetic.” Clarke’s cheeks burn. God, that was humiliating. For him to know she spent every single day obsessively reaching out to him. He was her lifeline. And he was up there forgetting her. “And it’s fine, I laughed along. But I should have known then that you’re not in love with me, because those calls meant a lot to me. And if you loved me they would have meant more to you.”

Clarke chances a glance at Bellamy. He looks so sad, his eyes drowning in unshed tears. You’d almost think she was the one breaking his heart, not the other way around.

“They did mean more to me.”

There’s a heavy lump in Clarke’s throat that makes it hard to speak. “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.” She hates that she feels like crying.

“I’m not lying.” He says adamantly. “What-what if I do love you?”

Clarke shakes her head. It’s a shock to hear him say it but she knows he doesn’t mean it, he can’t even say it with certainty.

“You don’t love me. Not the way I love you.”

“Maybe I do.”

“You don’t.” Clarke can feel frustration growing in her skull.

“How do you know?” Bellamy questions.

Clarke thinks hard for a few moments.

“Last year, when Josephine was still in my head, I died in your arms.” She has to look at the roof to keep tears from flowing out of her eyes. “My heart stopped beating and Octavia and Gabriel believed I was gone. Everyone in the room accepted I was gone... everyone but you. You fought-you _breathed _life back into me and told me you couldn’t lose me. And I came back.”

Bellamy runs a hand through his hair. “What could motivate me to do that other than love?”

The outside warmth has seeped back into the rover, Clarke thinks she might rather brave a walk back home alone than finish this conversation.

“That’s not the point, Bellamy.” She says, her heart aching. “It’s what happened after. I thought that losing me would make you realize you felt something for me. I waited for you to say something. But nothing changed.” Bellamy’s jaw is clenched tight as he watches her.

“Clarke—”

“I’m not done.” There’s no way she’s stopping now. “You kept going with your life. I wasn’t in immediate danger anymore so I stopped being your priority. You worried about other people and... and you stayed with _her _for months. It broke my heart. And that was when I decided you will never be in love with me.” She takes a shuddering breath. “Because if dying in your arms wasn’t enough to make you feel something for me, then nothing ever would be.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Bellamy’s voice breaks over the words and it kills Clarke.

“It was.” Clarke says sadly. “And it’s fine. But I’ve spent this last year forgetting every clear sign and I tricked myself into thinking you might feel something for me. So, I guess, I’m sorry that I’ve ruined our friendship.”

“Clarke you-you didn’t ruin anything.” He stutters. “And you shouldn’t apologize. I’m the one that’s ruined us.”

“No,” Clarke combats.

“Yes I am. I was so surprised when you said you loved me last night that I couldn’t formulate words.” His voice is unsteady. “And clearly my lack of response gave you the wrong impression, but... I am in love with you, Clarke. I’ve been in love with you for almost as long as I can remember you, since you left after Mount Weather.”

Clarke’s entire world stops.

She must have misheard.

No.

He loves her. And for that long?

It’s not possible.

She leaves the rover.

Bellamy is out of the rover a second later, following her off the side of the road.

“Clarke.” He calls.

She whips around and looks him dead in the eye.

“You don’t love me.”

“Of course I do. I thought you knew, everyone knows.”

Clarke squeezes her eyes shut. She most certainly did _not _know.

“No. You never said anything.”

“I never thought you would feel the same. You’re too good for me.”

She opens her eyes. The moment feels so heavy.

Both of them being entirely honest with each other for the first time perhaps ever.

“I’m not. But, you love me?” She asks finally starting to accept it. Her heart is beating fast, she can feel it everywhere.

“I don’t think I knew what is was to be in love before I met you, Clarke.” He smiles. “So, yes, I’m in love with you. I’ve only ever been in love with you.”

She thinks her eyes are wet. It must be happy tears. Has that ever happened before?

Clarke responds with the words that just a few minutes ago she had been entirely convinced she’d never be allowed to say.

“I love you too, Bellamy.”


End file.
